ouch! babies hurt!

so...I am going to have to stop breastfeeding and just pump and supplement with formula. My breast milk is bloody! It really, really hurts to breastfeed and neither him nor I are good at it. It is the unhappiest time of day for both of us. When I first fed him expressed breast milk from a bottle, that was the first time since birth that we were able to look into each others eyes and have a really nice bonding experience. I have struggled with the decision for a couple of days, but this morning when I went to pump and my milk was red with blood, I decided that this wasn't right for either of us. Hey--he'll still be getting my milk, just supplemented. I am not making enough anyway--he is always hungry and I can't pump enough. He eats so much! So...at first I was really worried and thought that would mean I was a bad mom and copping out and denying him the experience of breastfeeding...but I realized that it was getting to the point that I wasn't even holding him except to feed him and put him to bed. The feeding time was so terrible I was afraid that if I held him he might be hungry. And honestly--that's not healthy. This morning I fed him by bottle and actually wanted to carry him around and show him things and talk to him because I wasn't afraid of making him hungry.
So anyway, last night was fun. He went through a ton of diapers and outfits and feedings. Heh...one time we took off his diaper to change him and he peed all over his face while crying. I felt bad for him...but it was pretty funny. Poor guy!
So yes...I am sure some people would tell me I am being a bad mom for not trying harder to breastfeed, but too bad! Bloody breast milk can't be good for him (well--high iron), and when we're both crying trying to breastfeed, it's not a good experience. And yes, I have seen lactation specialists...it all seems so easy when I am there but once I get home it's back to the angry nipple chomping and screaming.
Anyway, that's about it. I'm getting my staples out on Tuesday--yay! I am numb in an area above them, so I'll have to make sure to ask the doctor about that. I can kind of feel pressure...so maybe sensation will eventually come back.
Okay, I'll post later!