so...I am going to have to stop breastfeeding and just pump and supplement with formula. My breast milk is bloody! It really, really hurts to breastfeed and neither him nor I are good at it. It is the unhappiest time of day for both of us. When I first fed him expressed breast milk from a bottle, that was the first time since birth that we were able to look into each others eyes and have a really nice bonding experience. I have struggled with the decision for a couple of days, but this morning when I went to pump and my milk was red with blood, I decided that this wasn't right for either of us. Hey--he'll still be getting my milk, just supplemented. I am not making enough anyway--he is always hungry and I can't pump enough. He eats so much! So...at first I was really worried and thought that would mean I was a bad mom and copping out and denying him the experience of breastfeeding...but I realized that it was getting to the point that I wasn't even holding him except to feed him and put him to bed. The feeding time was so terrible I was afraid that if I held him he might be hungry. And honestly--that's not healthy. This morning I fed him by bottle and actually wanted to carry him around and show him things and talk to him because I wasn't afraid of making him hungry.
So anyway, last night was fun. He went through a ton of diapers and outfits and feedings. Heh...one time we took off his diaper to change him and he peed all over his face while crying. I felt bad for him...but it was pretty funny. Poor guy!
So yes...I am sure some people would tell me I am being a bad mom for not trying harder to breastfeed, but too bad! Bloody breast milk can't be good for him (well--high iron), and when we're both crying trying to breastfeed, it's not a good experience. And yes, I have seen lactation specialists...it all seems so easy when I am there but once I get home it's back to the angry nipple chomping and screaming.
Anyway, that's about it. I'm getting my staples out on Tuesday--yay! I am numb in an area above them, so I'll have to make sure to ask the doctor about that. I can kind of feel pressure...so maybe sensation will eventually come back.
Okay, I'll post later!
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